its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
