"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
