call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
being pregnant is like rehab
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
