and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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