I just pynch a tree in the face
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
