I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
