my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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