dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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