I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I need a beard to bite.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
