He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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