Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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