You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
