there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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