I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
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Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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