Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
