I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
