Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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