I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she was so not down for the gang bang
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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