Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
