update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
