i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
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apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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