So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
