1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
