No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
