there's paper in my vomit.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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