Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
