i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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