I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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