I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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