Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
