if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
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