3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
