i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
