i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
