True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
