Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
