you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
