And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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