Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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