I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
