Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
