you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
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I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??