I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I fill condoms, not promises.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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