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a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
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