you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
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I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
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She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.