FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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