I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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