I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize