I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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