did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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