Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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