My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
