My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
