I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
