The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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