Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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