There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
