So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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