obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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