Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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