I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
