Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
